now that i actually have somewhere to vent without getting in trouble....

i am so sick of showing fucking empathy to all of the stupid, miserable, dramafilled chicks in my dorm.

every time someone is crying because they had a bad day or whatever, they ask for me because apparently i'm good at cheering people up?

or i'm like really empathetic?

well guess what.

i'm sick of being empathetic.

i am so miserable right now.

they can go fix their own problems next time.

i'm sick of worrying about other people.

from now on i'm being selfish and only thinking of my own feelings (and those feelings of the people who actually matter like you guys...my high school people. not these dorm people.)

god damn it.

i'm a terrible person.

fuck you, stress.

i want to go home.

so after being convinced that i need to actually use this, i am here.

this first semester has gone by a lot better and a lot faster than i thought it would.

i mean, for Christ's sake, it's already December.

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was intensely fun/awesome/tiring.

MRD guard has kicked my ass repeatedly.

i've learned a lot about the little country of Sierra Leone.

i saw Vampire Weekend live. (yay for 9:30 club on school nights while going to a college 2+ hours away.)

i've decided JMU guys are a little....uhh, well, either too gay, too bro-ish, or too unapproachable.

so i give up for now? haha~ right, because that will work: "i have a crush on every boy!" lawl.

i want my finals to be over.

i took one out of the five today.

i should be working on a letter for my "pick a major, undeclared students!" class.

i'm going to be an English major.

or at least, i'll declare it in January.

i still don't really know what i want to be when i grow up.

right, i'm 18 now.

i am currently disliking my roommate.

earlier i was like "well, at least i can tolerate her."

but now it's getting to this point where i want to yell at her.

i don't like confronting people, so i still haven't.

maybe we're both just stressed, but everyone else in our dorm can totally tell that she's been difficult lately.

i can't wait for a week from now.

i'll be home in my own room.

for a month.

excitement!

Vampire Weekend and Dr. Horrible make everything better.

i always say this to myself, but maybe i'll start posting regularly from now on.

japan was fucking awesome.

[i feel that i need to update LJ....]

yeah.

the other american students in my exchange group could have been better.....

but everyone i met in japan.....A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

my new okinawan friends want me to come back soon.

to which i asked,

"how about winter break??"

to which they replied,

"OMJ!! YES!!! KYAAA!!!"

:3

i love them!!



more later.

need to go finish unpacking.

D:

but it's what i do best.

gah.

i said it at the beginning of the year, and i'm going to say it again:

papkin lacks logic.

alex katz put it better in his "definition of papkin":

generally nonsensical, lacking of common sense, illogical.

we've decided to go around at our respective colleges and try to integrate the word "papkin" into our daily conversations.

"gah. today is just papkin!"

"my english professor is so papkin."

"wow, that is totally not papkin! good job!"

and things of that nature.

wondering why i'm complaining about papkin?

i have two projects due for her class tomorrow.

she moved the budget project due date from june 9 to tomorrow.

but initially had it set for last friday.

we also have a collaborative, and rather large project due tomorrow.

my group did russia.

i really should be putting our paper together, but ugh.

i don't really know what to include or how long it should be and the powerpoint is also kinda frustrating for the same reasons.

phooooo.

i guess i'll go back to figuring it all out.

oh.

everyone should go to the computer graphics senior show.
( here! )

:D

after this week, things should go smoothly up until graduation.

yes.

OK Go FRIDAY.

umm....i kinda figured i needed to update this.

as i haven't since my birthday.

in october.

school is going alright.

i'm really glad that i had my schedule changed....in october.

i guess everything got better.

i've felt pretty good since january.

and even better since march!

the last couple months have just gone by so fast!

it's already freakin' may!

spring trip to atlanta was A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

it rained friday night, but was sunny all day, making sightseeing such a joy!

my room (sara i, sara p, and melissa) had a really nice balcony,

so while it was thuderstorming/lightninging, we just sat in our shorts and gossiped.

it was fun.

hehe~

we could see into the hotel rooms of people across the courtyard from us.

apparently MATT CLARK was aware of our presence.

strange.

speaking of MATT CLARK, film study is going pretty swell.

again, i'm glad that i had my schedule change.

i mean, mr schulze is awesome, but i'm really really glad that i have mccabe for film.

....and english.

mccabe from 10:15 to 2:10 every wednesday and friday.

XD;;;;

my film study group is tam tam the cheerleading man, peter carr, and MATT CLARK.

our film could quite possibly turn out to be awesome.

photos from the day we filmed the "murder" are on my facebook.

advertisement time!!

THE FILM FESTIVAL IS MAY 21ST (2:30, i believe) IN THE RECITAL HALL.
ONLY 200ish SEATS AVAILABLE SO GET THERE EARLY!!!!

yay!

there is a good chance that i am going to japan for two weeks...

on a student tour....

but it's japan nonetheless.

specifically okinawa, osaka, kyoto, and tokyo.

i've only been to okinawa, so this will be a real treat!!

yay!

i'm will be starting at JMU from august!

:D

i think i'm going to audition for the colorguard.

:D

it's AP exam time....

i just kicked the ass of the AP U.S. government exam...

or at least i hope i did.

:O

i should finish my AP japanese homework....

which is the reason why i'm still at home at 8:50 and not at school....

hehe.

:D

you say "birthday"!

haha.

wow.

17.

i can actually go see R movies by myself.

WHY AM I SO YOUNG!!?

:O

it's so weird being the youngest in my [senior] circle....

although, maybe being so young isn't so bad.

i mean, i should be a junior, right?

so the age difference between me and the boy i am hugging in the last post isn't that bad.

two grades does not mean two years....

haha.

loophole.

>:D

so yeah.

birthdays and facebook are amusing.

i got online this evening:

63 new notifications

xD

it's funny how people you barely know, but qualify as facebook friends, send you birthday greetings.

nice.

i was tackleglompedhugged at school quite a bit....

and received a plate of strawberry cupcakes from mish,

17 slobbery birthday kisses on the cheek from matt,

and like random OMGHAPPYBIRTHDAY!!s in the middle of my classes.

better than last year.

haha.

BUT DANIEL DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

[except when he stopped me in the middle of the hall after 2nd to say "HELLO!" really cheerfully.....which almost killed me. x3]

i need to work harder.

and get more confidence.

i know he's a sophomore....

BUT.

AAAAAAH. <33333

HI I'M SASHA!!  I'M PATHETIC!!  I AM INFATUATED WITH A SOPHOMORE!!

[end]






well, almost time for heroes.

wow. TV. 

who actually watches TV anymore?

one month and two weeks after the emo entry..... 

ja.

and it's funny,

because it's so sudden.

as in, i've only been feeling happy for the last three days.

maybe two-and-a-half.

friday day sucked.

papkin put an F for my interim grade in apgov.

kinda pissed me off,

considering that i never actually failed anything.

there's one grade, a test which i missed while i was sick.

so i have a zero until i make it up.

makes sense, but why does it have to be put on the interim?

there's a lack of logic there.

anyway.

after school was a lot better.

what gives?

why is sasha suddenly happy?


x3

yeeeeeeah.

happy.

except that last night after the marching band competition he totally......blew me off? ignored me? snubbed me?

i have no idea what that was.

o_____O

[we got 1st for general effect, music, marching, and overall 4A....by the way!]

so yeah.

shorter entry.

i'm going to try harder this week.

i still have no idea if i'm going to homecoming.

which is in 5 days.

it would be convenient if i somehow got a date within the next 48 hours.

not bloody likely, though.

.______.;;;;;;

whatever.

but i really need to make my last week of not being 17&over great.

xD;;;;

i almost started writing here yesterday....
but now i can't recall what it was that i was going to write about....
ehh....it probably didn't matter anyway.
really, i think most of this stuff that i write has no actual meaning.
most, not all.
whatever.

there was something i was thinking about today.
i think about it a lot......
it's a thought that goes mostly along the lines of
"why is my life the way it is??"
hmm.
why do i live in the suburbs and not the city?? or the country??
{the suburbs are BORING. my parents think it's BORING. so why are we here??}
why am i friends with the people who i am friends with??
{i do love the people i am friends with, but whenever i try to remember how we became friends, i'm at a loss. i just can't remember. it probably doesn't matter anyway, but....}
why do i use my brain the way i use my brain??
{た とえばÖwhy do i get really mad at the way cheerleaders and the so-called "popular" people talk?? why is it that i'm more comfortable around smart people than not-so-smart people, when i think myself as a not-so-smart person??}
what was so appealing to me about boys on paper than boys in real life??
{i have this vague idea that it's probably because boys on paper are less likely to hurt?? maybe?? but where am i supposed to cross the line between simple fangirling and obsession??}

maybe i just shouldn't think so hard.
it's just, i feel like, like i probably shouldn't be this way??
i should be the version of myself that exists only in my daydreams.....
sometimes i really wish i could be my daydream self, rather than my actual self.
my daydream life is a lot nicer than the one i'm living.
it's almost opposite of everything going on here
{except for some of the people who i could never think of replacing in my life....}
i should stop daydreaming and think about all the good that i have in this life.

another insecurity that has been bugging me a lot as of late is relationships.
especially with those around me.
i know i have friends.....
but sometimes, i'm just not comfortable with them.
i feel kind of.....out of place with them??
like we're not on the same page??
i don't feel like i have many of the same interests as most of my friends.

maybe this is a sign that i need to quit fangirling.
stop listening to j-pop.
stop spending hours hovering over the pages of potato, myojo, and duet.
stop trying to be more japanese than i actually am??
i think i'm subconsciously trying to use j-pop as an escape rope.....
i keep saying that i want to get out of america and get into japan as soon as i can.
maybe the physical idea of that sentence is being influenced by my subconscious.....

the other day, while at target, i asked my dad,
"so.....do you think we could, you know, move away from NoVA??"
he seemed a bit startled.
his answer was no, plus:
"you just came back from a sleepover where i bet you didn't sleep much....you're just feeling depressed and irritated because you're tired."
but i still feel the same way now, and was feeling that way long before i even brought it up!
i bet, subconsciously, this is another YFU based emotion.
i actually laughed when that idea popped into my head.
they didn't give me a chance to live somewhere different, so now i pine for it more.
this is is quite sickening.
i think i'm going to give myself an ulcer or something.

no.
thinking about college is going to give me an ulcer.
so i'm just not going to think about that now.

to recap:
-i'm very confused about my life.
-i'm kind of worried about my mental health.
-i'm not sure if i actually have any real friends.
-i'm not 100% sure where the idea of moving overseas came from.
-i'm not feeling too happy about anything right now.

i'm going to quit thinking myself in circles and go to bed.

make lemonade, right?

sure.

except that my lemons are starting to rot, because i haven't gone about making the lemonade yet....

damn.

translation: i still haven't found anything good about not being an exchange student.

my summer has been a complete waste!!

really.

and now there's only 5 days left.

[dies]

i probably enjoyed myself for maybe......9 or 10 days out of the whole break.

phloo.

i've told myself that i would never complain about a certain girl ever again on any of my blogs, but

god. freakin' high school drama.

one more year 'til college!!

:D

hanako, be positive!!

everything will work out in the end!!

[whatever that means....?]

maybe lake braddock will play host to a japanese exchange student who looks a lot like shigeaki kato....

and will end up in at least one of my classes....

kehehehe

>:D

SO WHY IS SAN FRANSISCO COLD!!?

Dx

i'm pathetic.

or, in fobular japernese: pasechikku.

:D

herro, lj.

i noticed that it said "last updated: six weeks ago"

so i figured i should update.

or at least make a point of "i'm still alive and kicking~~"

:D

actually, i'm going to san fran tomorrow night.

leaving here around 9PM....getting there at midnight....

which is 3AM our time.

fun~~~~

thinking about it makes me tired.

i drew for fun the other day.

it's been a while since i've done that.

basically, last year, i think i was unconsciously refusing to draw.

which kind of sucked, being in an art class......

one is a lolita girl, one is a random boy (whose hair i based off of shige x3)


eventually i'll color both......

lolita isn't that fun when it's in pencil.....it needs to be pink and cream and white and fluffy and cute~~

x3

my uncle mark is a graphics designer.....he says he'll give me old software.....

i.e. photoshop, illustrator, etc....

he isn't a fan of illustrator.  :D

yeah.

it's raining.

me---->happy!!

so,

i guess that's all for now....

pecan and raisin chocolate?

actually....not too bad.

i forgot i like raisins.

hmm....

so my mom is on my back about getting a job or working on something.....

so i figured....

hey, i can sew.

what if i made lolita accessories?

and sold them online.....

xD;;;;;

it COULD work....

sam says it could~~

or i could go see if that new swedish bakery/coffee shop is hiring yet....

i'd get so fat.

sneaking cookies, cake, coffee......

and then i'd spend my paycheck on fabric for said lolita accessories.

yeah.

i should maybe do some research into selling stuff online.

wow......this is ALMOST like kamikaze girls, except that i'm making stuff.

not selling fake versace.

oh momoko.

because gracie is the only pure one.

xD;;;;;;;

I LOVE MY SENIORS.

<3333333

good luck to you all during college~~

though, it's not like i'm never going to see you all ever again.....

we have all summer.

and lj.

x3

see you tomorrow~~

too many things that have an impact on my life keep going down in flames,

so when i saw the Grim in the bathtub yesterday,

i freaked out a little,

but then i realized, I DON'T CARE.

things couldn't get worse anyway.

and if they did,

i'd probably

laugh.

[by Grim, i mean the "omen of death" dog from Harry Potter.  except it was made of bubbles, not tea leaves.]

[mish and alyssa are leaving for california for their homestay orientation, then they're off to japan, which is part of the reason why i'm so agitated right now.]

love is paradise~~

yeah, no.

i suppose i'm due for an entry here??

i stopped updating my xanga for a time too.......

i've just been really tired (coughdepressedcough) and not in the mood to 'blog'....

i saw "pirates 3" last weekend......

since it was the 2nd night that it was open, the theatere was still freakin' crowded.

our group  had to split up because mish and i didn't think to go reserve seats, as we arrived like 30 minutes early.

Dx

international show was yesterday....

which was quite fun~~

i modeled my yukata with mish, who modeled sam's kimono....

which happened to be too short because sam didn't know that you're supposed to fold it over.

oh well, she's okay~~


spence didn't think that i was cute, and sam called me a japanese emo, but retracted that statement.

:D

(that's a strawberry hanging off the obi, BTW~~)

today was the SAT.

no words.

at all.

Dx

i started watching "letters from iwo jima"

during the first 10 minutes, KAZUNARI NINOMIYA'S CHARACTER IS WRITING A LETTER TO A GIRL NAMED HANAKO~~

x3

(note: nino is from a johnny's band called ARASHI; hanako is my middle name.)

xD;;;;

I'M A DORK.

i've been infatuated with the lolita style for quite some time now, but last week, sam also began to be infatuated.

we're going to start designing and sewing our own outfits.

oh, it's much too expensive to buy one.

we'll wear such outfits to the movies or shopping, after we get completely dolled up.

and have people shoot strange looks at us.

yes.

>:3

alyssa came over to work on a history project the other day.

thus leading to me REALLY fangirling for the first time since before the AP tests.....

i realized something:  i am short only 4 NEWS songs.  once i get those, i'll have their ENTIRE discography.

:O

I'M A DORK.

up and down.

up and down.

up and down.

kinda like a roller coaster.

but a low one.

because it's mostly downs.

ergh.

ra ra ra.

i really don't know what to write.

so yeah.

the end.






but first,

rachel, courtney, and kristen, and carolyn, and so on~~

your movies were awesome~~

i can't wait to be in that class next year~~

x3

i think i'm feeling a little better about the exchange thing.
i've started my plan B thing,
but was reminded by YFU yesterday that i'm totally still an alternate.....
which means there's a slim chance that i could still go with mish and alyssa.
but now i'm thinking "do i actually want to do the YFU thing??
maybe i just want to go to okinawa and see my friends??
sam and i have already started planning our senior trip for NEXT summer to japan.
our main focus is going to be tokyo, so many a purikura will be done.
hahaha.

and i've already planned that no matter what college i go to,
as long as they have an exchange program, and there is flexibility,
then i will apply to aoyama university~~

i was kinda hoping that somehow i would get to stay with a family in tokyo....
and go to aoyama high school.....
i have an obsession with that school.
i don't even know why.
hahahaha.

tchyeah.
so i'll figure out whatever when i get notified.
notified about a 100% rejection or some random acceptance.
the latter will probably make me go "wtf?"
pronounced "witph."
x3

i got a senior portrait notice today.
i've been scheduled for the 22nd.
do i want to take my photo now or wait until the fall??
seniors, i need input.
plzkthx.
:3

rachel, i think i will take you up on that offer to help me with math.
if you weren't kidding this morning.
i need it.
i got my ass kicked by a test this morning,
then got it kicked again by a quiz this afternoon.
Dx

was not at the top of my rejection letter.

but i still feel like that is what YFU wrote to me.

i'm an alternate for two scholarships (one full, one 50%)

but someone needs to drop out before i get accepted in that case.

so yeah.

i got rejected.

godi'msodepressed.

i've been crying since i got the letter.

so, let's say, the last six hours?

i'm going to start working on plan B tomorrow.

screw YFU.

i'll go to japan alone.

ewwobjectivevoice.

it's so bland.

Dx

**BSing paper about okinawan festival**

it's good to be writing about something that only i know about, though.

everyone else in my class is like "i'm going to write about 9-11~~"

and i'm like "aren't you special~~"

xD;;;

except as far as APUSH goes.....

i don't have time to write a fucking timeline, mr maxwell.

GARSH.

between this stupid paper, the crucible, virginia tech, and guard/spring trip......

AND THAT MY FUCKING LETTER FROM YFU STILL HAS YET TO ARRIVE....

i'm stressed out of my mind~~

maybe i can use that as an excuse [+ cry] so mr maxwell won't yell at me tomorrow.

i hate mr maxwell.  such a bully.  =______=

and on ms jones.....

so i don't have to do the stupid crucible in-class essay.....

or i can work on that painting in 3rd pd and be like

"stokes~~ i need to stay longer so i can get some on this painting before i leave for tennesee...."

i can miss 20 minutes of 4th period.....

which will leave like less that 30 to do the 45 minute essay.....

SO I CAN MAKE IT UP LATER~~

:O

:D

or i can just finish this stupid chatan seaport carnival paper.

MITSUMASSYU WAS AWESOME~~

KYAAA~~

((i'll type my whole "ZOMGMYLIFEISALMOSTCOMPLETE" shpeal later.....))



me and leo, the guitarist~~

:3

i just need a photo of me and shige now~~